Have You Thought About the Child of Divorce and Childcare?

May 18, 2012 by in Childcare with 0 Comments

imageWho Is Raising Our Children?

We all know that our children are our next generation. Unless there is a conscious effort on the part of an adult, people will parent their own kids the way they were parented. Being parented doesn’t necessarily mean that a mother and/or father raised you. For generations, people like grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends have raised children. We have even had children being raised by people unknown to the child such as foster parents.

The Bible, as well as history books, are full of stories of children being raised by someone other than their birth parents. These people grew up and became parents and did fine for the most part. The differences in children being parented today are societal influences (computers, internet, video games, TV, etc.) and other entities that are raising our children especially children from single parent families. The significant other, or a cohabitating partner, is one example – a situation which, by the way, says, “I can’t commit to marriage but I will commit to letting you influence my child for several years.”

Who Is Influencing Our Children?

Children from single parent families spend the majority of their waking hours in group care. They either have parents that are attending school full time or parents that are working – some of these parents are working two or more jobs or going to school and working. One small study showed that school age children might very well be in child care 300 to 400 hours more per year than even in public school. When one counts summer, school vacations and holidays, early outs and parent teacher conference days the child will spend many more hours overall in the childcare facility.

Who is raising the next generation of parents? Who, or what, are these children going to mimic when they become adults and parents? In case you haven’t quite grasped the picture that is being presented, let me explain it to you. Underpaid, untrained and inconsistent caregivers are raising these children from single parent homes. For many children no other entity in a child’s life holds more influence over a child than the childcare giver.

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Children of Divorce Need Dependable Communities

May 11, 2012 by in Community with 0 Comments

imageIn years past, when family life was in turmoil, the local community church was the place people went for comfort. When divorce became rampant in the seventies, many of those divorcing families quit attending church all together. The very place these hurting children needed the most (church) ended up being the first place they were pulled away from.

Community As A Place of Comfort

Today our families are deteriorating while churches largely ignore the problem. Research and reports tell us that up to 65% of all families in American are non-nuclear families. This includes single parent families, step families, etc. Communities have lost their ability to function as whole and viable places that protect their children and youth. Our children are at risk and no one knows what to do or how to help them. While those of us in the religious realm want it to be the church, sadly today the church is no longer the first place many people think of as the community safe place of comfort.

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Why Divorce Should Matter to Those Who Minister to Children and Students

May 8, 2012 by in Children's Ministry with 3 Comments

imageAt the crux of Divorce Ministry 4 Kids is a desire to call churches to serve, and equip churches to better minister to, children suffering from the effects of the divorce of their parents and/or living in single parent families. At times, that means encouraging churches to start programs like Divorce Care 4 Kids or The Big “D” which are “support group” type programs targeted at children of divorce to help them deal with the impacts of the divorce and point them towards God as the ultimate source of healing. However, just starting a new program isn’t enough. Truly ministering to these children and students requires that those in our churches who work week in and week out with our kids must also be prepared and equipped to deal with the fallout from divorce.

As people who minister to children and students, we cannot afford to turn a blind eye to children of divorce and children from single parent families. Recent government studies show that only 60.3% of children live with their married biological or adoptive parents. That means that 40% of all children either live with cohabiting biological parents (3%), in single parent homes (27%), step families (6%), or without either biological parent (4%). There is some variation by race, but lest you think this issue does not affect your community or church, here is the breakdown by race of children living with other than their married biological parents:

Race %
White 34.93%
White, non-Hispanic 31.12%
Black 69.60%
Black, non-Hispanic 70.56%
Asian 60.07%
Hispanic 43.64%

All of that means that, on average, 2 of every 5 kids who come through your church doors every Sunday morning have either experienced the divorce of their parents or grown up in single-parent homes.

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Setting the Child of Divorce Up To Fail

May 4, 2012 by in Children's Ministry with 2 Comments

imageFor the past several weeks we’ve been discussing children of divorce who have challenging behaviors. Today I want to discuss reasons some of the children exhibit challenging behaviors. Many times it can be because of what we do to set them up to fail.

Things like attendance charts, bible memory drills, mother-daughter days or father-son events can cause the child of divorce to concentrate on their family problems. It can drive them away from the very thing that can help them heal, learning about Christ and our Heavenly Father. It’s not that churches can’t have these events, but it might take some special considerations to accommodate the child of divorce.

A Mother-Daughter Tea Disaster

When I owned a therapeutic child care, we had one elementary age girl whose behavior began to get out of control every year at springtime. She got agitated. She developed nervous tics. She was unkind and down right mean to other children. One year, as I was planning the Mother Daughter Tea to celebrate Mother’s Day, it dawned on me. Mother’s Day was tough for my little friend because her mother had deserted her at a very early age.

I took my friend aside one day and asked her what I could do to make Mother’s Day easier for her. She was very bold and said,

“Do away with that stupid Mother Daughter Tea!”

By this time my friend was in forth grade. For years she had endured this event that was treasured by the other little girls in our program.

After much thought, prayer and discussion with my staff we decided to change the name of our event. We changed it to,

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It’s Not Always About the Divorce

April 30, 2012 by in Encouragement with 1 Comment

clip_image001Today’s article is a reminder for those of us who work with kids whose parents have divorced. It is as much, if not more, of a reminder to me than anyone else. When we start to focus on the position and needs of children of divorce, and we should, it is easy to fall into the trap of seeing everything in their lives as revolving around the divorce. On the one hand, we are telling them,

You are not defined by divorce! This divorce is not who you are. You are a masterpiece of God, and nothing your parents have done changes that.

On the other hand, every time something doesn’t go right in their lives or things aren’t as they should be, we define those things in terms of the divorce. Little Timmy is having problems with authority – It must be because his dad isn’t around as much after the divorce. Poor Suzie seems a little sad today – It must be because today is the day she has to leave her Dad’s house to go back to her Moms. We analyze. We assume. We conclude, and we do it all because we want to help these kids. But, in the end, we end up defining them by the divorce of their parents – the very thing we are telling them that they should not do themselves.

No doubt, there is a fine line to walk when it comes to balancing not overemphasizing the divorce with actually helping the child through divorce. None of this is meant to minimize in any way the heart wrenching impacts of divorce on children or intimate that it will just “get better with time.” The whole notion is more a way of making ourselves feel better about the situation than it a way of actually helping the kids. Ecclesiastes 3:1 begins by telling us,

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3:1 ESV)

The remaining verses of this famous portion of Scripture provide sound guidance in dealing with children of divorce. Let’s examine them a little closer.

Time to Weep, Time to Laugh

…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; [Ecclesiastes 3:4a]

There is definitely weeping that goes along with divorce for a child. The emotions and changes are overwhelming, and kids need to talk about them. That said, we do these kids a disservice when we force them to dwell on the divorce because we bring it up over and over again in our efforts to get them to talk. Even in the midst of dealing with divorce, there is still a time to laugh. Continue Reading…

More Tips For Dealing With Kids With Challenging Behavior

April 27, 2012 by in Behavior Issues with 0 Comments

imageAs the adult it is imperative that you stay in control. Remember you are constantly modeling for the children in your groups and classes. Think about what you are modeling. When entering a confrontation are you remaining calm or are you exhibiting the very behaviors you’re trying to stop?

Limit your responses

Think about what to say before you approach the child. Tell the child you need time to think about what happened, buy yourself time. Use what I call “the peace maker form”. It’s a piece of paper with three columns on it. The child writes or draws what happened in the first column. In the second column they write or draw what they did. In the third column they put down what the other person did or how they reacted.

This gives the child time to calm down. Sometimes I address the situation at the time. Other times I might wait to address the issues. Sometimes you can address the situation and the child role play what happened or you might talk them through the scenario. Take your cues from the child and the situation.

Empower the child by giving choices

Make sure the choice is possible. Choices empower a child who feels like he or she has no power in their life.

Restate the problem

Use positive terms to state the problem back to the child.

Focus on a success

Describe to the child a success they have had before and build upon that success. “Now Jimmy, remember several weeks ago when you got mad and you went over to the table and drew a picture? You were still mad but you were able to work through the anger by drawing. And know what I’ve still got that picture in my office.”

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Dinosaurs Divorce – A Guide For Changing Families by Laurene Kransy Brown and Marc Brown (A Review)

April 23, 2012 by in Book Reviews with 0 Comments

Introduction

clip_image002At Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, we are committed to getting good resources into the hands of those who work with children of divorce. Many times, that means creating resources for those who work with children of divorce, other times that means bringing pre-existing resources to your attention. The book Dinosaurs Divorce – A Guide For Changing Families by Laurene Kransy Brown and Marc Brown is one such resource intended for children whose parents have gone, or are going, through a divorce.

With over one million children each year suffering through the divorce of their parents, it is encouraging to find resources created specifically for kids. Designed for kids Dinosaurs Divorce is brilliantly illustrated to help kids understand what divorce is and the many changes and emotions that come along with divorce, dating, remarriage and step families.

As the book jacket describes,

If dinosaurs got married, no doubt they, like many families today, had to cope with divorce, too. What they needed was Dinosaurs Divorce. This timely, reassuring picture book is the perfect resource to help young children and their families deal with the confusion, misconceptions and anxieties apt to arise when divorce occurs.

Brief Synopsis of the Book

The very first page of this book is a kid friendly glossary of terms related to divorce including things like judge, lawyer, child support and several others. The book then proceeds to explore, in a comic book illustrated type of format, the various trials and struggles of dinosaur children dealing with their dinosaur parents’ divorce. The book is divided into eleven sections including:

  • Why Parents Divorce
  • What About You?
  • After the Divorce
  • Living With One Parent
  • Visiting Your Parent
  • Having Two Homes
  • Celebrating Holidays and Special Occasions
  • Telling Your Friends
  • Meeting Parents’ New Friends
  • Living With Stepparents
  • Having Stepsisters and Stepbrothers

Each section presents various struggles that a child faces along with advice on how to deal with those struggles.

Review of the Book

I really appreciate this book for what it is – an attempt to help kids to deal with the ramifications of their parents’ divorce. This book tackles a wide range of issues from dealing with living in two different homes to feeling like you’ve lost your place in your family to adapting to stepparents and stepsiblings. The book is written in language that kids will understand and doesn’t back down from dealing with the issues they will face as they navigate the path of their post-divorce life.

I appreciate the ton of this book which does not skirt the issues that kids will face but at the same time provides advice for how to deal with those issues. The book is beautifully illustrated, and let’s face it, who doesn’t like dinosaurs?

There were a couple of things about the book which I did not care for. Continue Reading…

Oh Those Challenging Kids – What to Say, Not to Say and How to Say It

April 20, 2012 by in Behavior Issues with 1 Comment

imageHe comes in with a haughty look on his face. His face says,

“Heh, heh, this is the day you will pay for my unhappiness!”

You smile and maintain your integrity. You say a quick prayer (always seek the Lord) as you approach this child. (“God give me wisdom and knowledge that I may lead this people…” 2 Chronicles 1:10a). You tell yourself you are safe. Your self-talk says you are in control and you will not lose it no matter what. You are prepared and feel confident in your ability to assist and teach this child and draw him closer to the Lord.

He doesn’t wait for you but skirts over to the side of the room. However, he keeps his eyes on you. What do you do at this point? You let him go. I would nod my head in his direction to let him know I saw him. I might mouth, “I see you” and wink as I say it. Then I go on about my business and leave him alone.

You know this child is going to need your attention at some point in the next hour. You need to also realize that being gushy or fake with these children will never work. These types of kids are very perceptive. You see they have learned at an early age how to read body language. They have to be cognizant in reading body language so they know how to live and fit into two different homes with two parents who are sometimes at war with each other.

Be careful how you approach these children. Some adults think because a child’s family life is disruptive, the child needs their pity. Children don’t need your pity. They need your empathy. They need boundaries. They need structure within the confines of a loving environment. They need for you to be an adult they can depend upon and trust. They need for you to give them dignity. Kids deserve their dignity, and too many adults in their lives have taken their dignity away. They need to be able to count on you, the adult, to be in charge, to be the leader, to be in control not controlling but in control. Continue Reading…

The Lord is Near to the Brokenhearted

April 16, 2012 by in Devotional with 0 Comments

imageDivorce Ministry 4 Kids has an unofficial verse which guides most of our efforts in ministering to children of divorce, children from single parent families and those who minister to these kids. Before Divorce Ministry 4 Kids ever formally existed, I had this verse printed on the back of business cards meant to make people familiar with the site. The verse is Psalm 34:18 which says,

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. [Psalm 34:18 ESV]

This verse, written by David while he was on the run from Saul, epitomize what we are all about at Divorce Ministry 4 Kids. Our goal is to minister to children of divorce and help others to do the same, but ultimately healing comes through a relationship with the Living God – a God who is always there even in the bleakest moments – a God who collects tears in bottle and knows our every thought – a God who will someday wipe away every tear. When we are at our lowest point is exactly when God steps in to save us. When we are brokenhearted, He can make our heart complete again. When we are crushed, He can lift us up. That is what we are ultimately all about – seeing God heal these kids who are suffering through no choice of their own. Watching as God, the Great Physician, heals their hearts and shows them firsthand how much they mean to Him.

A Word for Children of Divorce

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. The Lord saves the crushed in spirit. If your parents are going through, or have gone through, a divorce those terms most likely describe you. At some point, perhaps even still, you experienced what it is like to have a broken heart. You know the pain of having your family torn apart in front of your eyes. You know the heartache of watching your parents, the people responsible for bringing you into this world and protecting you, declare their lack of love for one another. No doubt, your spirit has been crushed as you hoped, and maybe even prayed, earnestly that your parents would get back together. You may have questioned God – how could He let something like this happen to your family? Why won’t He make things the way they used to be?

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Oh Those Challenging Kids!

April 13, 2012 by in Behavior Issues with 0 Comments

imageMany children’s leaders feel that children from divorced homes exhibit challenging behaviors. That might be because these children seem distracted. Or they just sit there with a blank stare and you are sure they aren’t hearing one word that is said. Or is it because these kids are hyper? They move and fidget and distract other kids. They try to run away or they yell, scream and even spit sometimes.

Have you ever come across a child that you are sure is …. uh….. well… to put it bluntly ….demon possessed or filled with an evil spirit? We read about demon-possessed and people filled with an evil spirit in the Bible.

“When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones..” Mark 5:2-5 (NIV)

The version of this story in Luke 8:2 says,

“When Jesus stepped ashore, he was met by a demon-possessed man from the town.” (NIV)

Whatever you want to call it this man was out of control. Children from divorcing families coming to our church might not break free of chains that bind them or roam the hills and cut themselves with stones, but some have so much strength when they are raging that they can break free and run away. Some hurt so much inside that they do scratch or cut themselves.

We don’t think of children in our world being demon-possessed or being filled with evil spirits, but they are. They are filled with confusion, hurt, guilt, embarrassment, fear, anger, sadness, grief and a host of other emotions.

I was talking to an after school teacher the other day and she said,

“We have one little girl that has always had a high self esteem, always happy and cheerful. Recently she found out her parents are getting a divorce and I watched her yesterday walk down the hallway with her head down and her shoulders slumped. She is so sad she can hardly make it through the day. Her cheerfulness is gone and she is so unsure of herself in every area of her life.”

Friends, that is an example of being filled with today’s evil spirits.

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