Archives For Linda Ranson Jacobs

Take Cover! Take Cover! There’s A Tornado!

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Tragedy May 24, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageEveryone knows about the tornado that hit Moore, OK this past week. You have all seen the many news articles, Internet stories and news people’s accounts.

I posted an article earlier in the week “Talking to Kids about the Tornado in OK” so I don’t want to repeat that information. I’d like to concentrate on talking to kids of divorce.

Kids of divorce are in general fearful after the divorce. After a parent moves out for some reason the children experience undue worry about their safety. Continue Reading…

About That Sleeper Effect

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Adult Children of Divorce, Spiritual impacts May 17, 2013 — 3 Comments

imageMany children of divorce appear to breeze through the divorce at the time the divorce happens. Many of these are little girls who identify with their mothers. They will hide their feelings and say and do the things they think the adults expect and want from them. However, the divorce experience remains alive – but as memories that they push to the back of their minds. Little boys tend to express their frustrations and tear through their feelings using sports and active behaviors. Their negative thoughts about the divorce of their parents appear to fade away.

As girls grow into adulthood, become involved in a relationship and marry or start a family, the memories from the divorce of their parents pop back into the brain – the sleeper affect kicks in. They begin to worry if the other person in the relationship will walk away. They wonder if their marriage will fail like their parent’s marriage. The worry if they know how to be married.

pdf to share leftThey feel doomed in their relationships. They don’t know how to be in a relationship. One young woman told me she could only breathe and trust her marriage after she has surpassed the number of years her parents had been married. She said she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For 17 years she had waited anxiously, but after her 17th year of marriage she felt she could finally relax because they were going to make it.

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Mother’s Day in a Single Parent Home

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Holidays May 10, 2013 — 7 Comments

imageAs a single mom, Mother’s Day was always the most dreaded holiday. To me it was worse than Christmas, Valentines or any other day. It didn’t help that it seemed like almost every year when my children were young Mother’s Day came on the weekend they visited their father. So I would trudge to church, sit alone, and watch all the lovely families celebrate their mothers.

I remember one year I stood in the church parking lot and watched all the families come out of the church and shout to each other, “Hey we’re taking our mom out for lunch. Why don’t you guys grab your mom and come with us.” Or, “The kids and I are going to celebrate mother’s day for Peggy at the Golden Corral. Why don’t you bring Betty and the kids? Our families can celebrate together.” I swear pain stabbed my heart just as if a knife had been laid to it.

pdf to share leftI wondered why when church and pastors recognized mothers they only acknowledged the moms in complete families. I know some single moms who won’t even attend church on Mother’s Day.

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The Smooth Stones of God’s Word

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Encouragement May 3, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageWe can learn a lot about adults in the lives of children of divorce when we look at the story of David fighting the Philistine, Goliath, in 1 Samuel 17:38-46. We pick up where King Saul tried to dress David in his adult clothes.

The scriptures say,

“Then Saul dressed David in his own tunic. He put a coat of armor on him and a bronze helmet on his head. David fastened on his sword over the tunic and tried walking around, because he was not used to them. ‘I cannot go in these,’ he said to Saul, ‘because I am not used to them.’ So he took them off.”

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The Power of Words

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Words April 26, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageWords can be powerful when they are used in the right context. Usage of kind words can motivate children. Unkind and cruel words can hurt children. Think of the child of divorce who comes from an abusive home. Maybe the child wasn’t abused, but the spouse was – or there was a lot of shouting and crying. The words the child heard, even if the child was asleep, can negatively affect them for the rest of their lives.

In some states there is actually a law called, “In the Presence of Child.” If there is domestic abuse when the child is present, even if the child is asleep, the perpetrator can be convicted. Don’t believe words have power? Think again. Research was done in this area before these laws came into being. Make no mistake – negative words will impact a child’s inner voice for years!

pdf to share leftKind and pleasant words can be a driving force when helping a child to process their parent’s divorce. Commenting on the child’s effort will go a long way in helping the child understand they have the ability to work through the hurt. Praising their effort doesn’t mean you are praising their intelligence. It means you comment on their persistence in moving forward. It means you praise their effort to control their anger and how they are making strides in how to handle depression. It means you give them hope that life is going to get better. You are truthful with them, and when you are asked questions you don’t have an answer for, you let them know you don’t know.

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Nesting and the Child of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In General Impacts April 19, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageNesting is a term often used by family courts, lawyers and divorcing parents. It means the parents continue to share a residence after the divorce for the sake of the children. The parents stay at the family home with the children when it is their scheduled visitation time. The other parent stays someplace else during that time. The thought behind this premise is that staying in the family home will make the transition from the intact family to the divorced family easier on the children. All I can say about this idea is the verdict is still out on whether this actually makes it easier on the children. It does appear to work for some people.

While it is good for church leaders to understand the concept of nesting some courts and family mediation groups are suggesting, today I don’t want to discuss “nesting” in that context. I want to discuss nesting of a different sort. The types of nesting children create themselves. Most parents are not aware of this type of nesting.

pdf to share leftMany times children of divorce become unusually attached to their things. This is particularly true if both parents have become emotionally distant or have deeply disappointed the child. Keep in mind this is the child’s perception of how things are.

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The Power of Empathy and the Child of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Communication April 12, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageWhat is the difference in these two closely related words empathy and sympathy? Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of others. It goes beyond sympathy, which is a feeling of care and understanding for the suffering of others.

When I empathize with a child of divorce, I’m sharing some aspect of what they are experiencing. When I sympathize, I’m recognizing they are suffering and I feel sorrow for them but I don’t necessary feel or understand the experience.

Empathy = sharing one’s pain.

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The Brain and the Power of Being Intentional

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Techniques April 5, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageTake a moment to think of someone you care about or someone that has impacted your life in a positive way. There are a lot of people that have impacted my life – especially in ministry. When I think of one lady in particular, and how she has blessed me down through the years, I get the “warm fuzzies.”

You know that feeling where you just feel better inside, under your skin and in your heart. You feel all warm inside and right with the world. My friend has been with me through thick and thin; through divorce and death; through the good and bad. She’s in her eighties now and still relevant and intentional in ministry. She lives on the West coast and I live on the East coast, but she is always with me in my heart.

Sometimes the Holy Spirit alerts me when there is a problem. This happens so I will know to pray for her. For instance when her husband, Jim, passed away suddenly I knew instantly something was wrong. I started praying for her not really knowing why or for what. But the Lord knew. In my prayers for her I am always grateful for her friendship.

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The Power of Being Intentional

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Intentionality March 29, 2013 — Leave a comment

imageMany children’s church workers and volunteers fall into ministering to the child of divorce. What do I mean by that? These kids show up at your church, and before you know it you are trying to figure out how to minister to them. You are usually doing it on the spot and you might not feel very confident in your ability to impact this child. You want to help them. You know you should help them. You want to bring the love of Jesus to these kids. You understand what the Bible says about the orphans. So you fall into ministering.

pdf to share leftHave you ever thought about the power of being intentional? And I don’t mean a far Eastern religion or the power of intention mind-set that you find all over the Internet. You know if you just think on this and intend for it to happen it will happen and how much inner energy you get from the power of intention.

I’m talking about
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How To Encourage Children of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Encouragement March 22, 2013 — Leave a comment

Last week when we talked about the power of encouragement, so this week let’s go deeper in the power of encouragement.

imageMany children’s leaders actually end up discouraging the very children we want to encourage and should be encouraging. Our conversations can set the stage for discouragement by how we approach a subject or by the very words we use. When children are discouraged their fears are stirred up and their sense of failure becomes paramount in their minds.

pdf to shareKids who are fresh in the divorce experience may already feel a sense of failure. They may think the reason a parent left is because they weren’t good enough and they begin to measure everything they do by this plumb line. Karen Stephens says,

“Kids can become so stressed they freeze, cry, give up, or quit trying all together …”[1]

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