Archives For Linda Ranson Jacobs

Are You Afraid of Children of Divorce?

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Being Prepared October 19, 2012 — Leave a comment

Recently, Greg Baird posted a great blog on his site Kidmin360.com titled “Leading and Managing Change.” (http://kidmin360.com/2012/10/15/leading-managing-change/) He made a lot of good points in the article, but one really caught my attention:

Fear – people are naturally afraid of change. Change is unknown, and we’re usually afraid of the unknown.

image

The reason this caught my attention is because it opened a door in my mind about why childrens ministers might be reluctant to want to minister to children of divorce. It is a change from the “normal” kids that usually come to our churches.

It makes sense that fear of the unknown, aka divorce, logical.

Some of these fears might include,

  • Divorcing families are messy.
  • Supporting divorce goes against my moral standards.
  • I don’t know much about divorce except there are lawyers and angry people involved.
  • How would I comfort the kids?
  • How could I fit them into our kid’s ministry when they might not come on a regular basis?

I’m sure there are many other fears that keep churches from purposely reaching out to the child of divorce. Let’s look at each of these and see if we can lessen the fear for you.

Divorcing families are messy

All of us that work with children are acquainted with messy. We do messy things all the time. Silly string is messy. Art projects can be messy. Serving snacks to two year olds is messy. When we do these kinds of things, we prepare our environment and ourselves. We are aware we will need to do some cleaning up afterwards so we move forward.

pdf to share leftThe same kinds of thoughts can hold true when starting to purposefully minister to children of divorce. Prepare yourself, and just know that there might be some cleaning up to do afterwards. Besides, not every divorcing family is messy. If a church can host a support group like DivorceCare for the adults and Divorce Care 4 Kids [DC4K] for the kids, it makes life not quite so messy for the kids after all.

Just like you wouldn’t do a messy art project with a group of kids alone, don’t do ministry to children of divorce alone. Find some kindred hearts to walk alongside you. This might be a person that you can vent to or share your thoughts with. Sometimes, we find clarity when we can talk through a situation. It would need to be someone you can trust to keep things confidential.

Supporting divorce goes against my moral standards

There is a funny thing about this thought process. Divorce goes against God’s directives and His standards too, but He still loves the divorced person. Don’t think of it as supporting the act of divorce but as loving the divorced person. What can you do to make these kids lives easier? How can you be someone that shows them the love of Christ?

Continue Reading…

Even More Mistakes We’ve Made With Children of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Behavior Issues October 12, 2012 — Leave a comment

This week we conclude our discussion of the mistake we’ve made when working with the child of divorce and their out of control behaviors.

Mistake #6 – Time Out

imageWe sent kids to time out to “think about what they had done”. Here’s probably what really happened during that time.

Teacher:

Gage you go to time out. And you think about what you did.

Gage’s self talk:

Sure I’ll think about hitting that girl, and I’m gonna think about hitting again tomorrow too. She took my blocks when you weren’t looking so tomorrow I’m gonna hit her again when you’re not looking! I will NOT get caught tomorrow.

Or Gage’s self talk:

What did I do wrong? I don’t know what I did. How am I supposed to know what I did?

Or:

Yeah right. Like I’m going to sit here quietly. Ha, ha. I’ll get your attention lady.

Gage then proceeded to sit under the chair, around the chair, picked up the chair, etc. And what happened? He got our attention all right.

Today we realize that some kids need time away. They might need to take a break to calm down. Many teachers are encouraging children who are getting out of control to take a break. You can set up a special place, like a beanbag in a corner, and allow children to take time away to rest. It is not a place to think about what they have done wrong or report back how they are going to handle things differently next time.

pdf to share rightOne kindergarten teacher I know had a child with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). She kept a hula-hoop in her room, and when this boy started getting out of control he could get out his hula-hoop. He could have anything in the hula-hoop that would fit within the circle of the hoop with him in it. The other kids knew that was his place and they left him alone when he was in there.

Another kindergarten teacher I worked with in North Carolina kept a beanbag under her desk. She would pull it out when a kid said they needed to take a break or when she thought a child needed to take a break. Taking a break is not meant as a punishment. As adults we take breaks don’t we?

Sometimes little kids need to take a break especially if they are coming from a divorced home. Their minds might be on overload just wondering and thinking about whose house they are going to after school. Sometimes they might need to block out the world around them so they can calm themselves. Too many environments, places to be and people to please might just be too much for these little minds.

Mistake #7 – Not Working Together

None of us can do this alone. In the past most of us felt compelled to try and handle these kids by ourselves. We might have felt like a failure if we couldn’t get a child under control. We might have felt pressure by other volunteers, leaders or ministers to do our job.

If you have a challenging child, you may have to tag team that child. In other words find another person you can tag for a moment. Maybe that means you switch groups for a few minutes or the child goes and visits another room. Or maybe the children’s minister gives you a break or allows the child to come with them. It might be something as simple as just walking around the church visiting other classes.

In my child care one time we had to call the police when a single mother abandoned her child? (Aaron’s Story) After his mother had been found, and he knew she had been found, one day he was having a very bad day. His teacher brought him into me and said,

Miss Linda, I think Aaron needs some special time away from our group.

Continue Reading…

More Mistakes We’ve Made With Children of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Behavior Issues October 5, 2012 — 1 Comment

imageLast week we looked at the mistakes we have made when working with children from divorced homes that have out of control behaviors. This week we continue exploring mistakes of the past.

Mistake #3 – Everything Was Based On How the Adult Felt

If the teacher felt happy then all was good. Oh my goodness, do you remember the happy face/sad face signs? I am so embarrassed to share this but, since I want you to explore your mistakes, I’ll share some of my worst ones. I very clearly remember one incident.

We had paper plate hanging on a chair. We had this 4 year old kid who was so out of control. The chair was set over against the wall by the bathroom. I told this little four year old,

“Does this look like a happy face? Do you think I am happy about how you acted? Well I am not happy”

I led this little kid named Justin over to the chair, and with flair I flipped the happy face plate to the sad side and commanded,

“Sit!”

Let me tell you, that incident was a wake-up call. This little 4 year old said to me,

“Well, who cares if you are happy or not.”

This little character had two parents that constantly projected their feelings onto him. He became immune to what others were feeling, and I was no exception. The chair went away after that incident. I learned that I needed to forge a relationship with this little boy. He had had a hard life.

We now know that we need to have empathy for these kids. We have to learn and come to understand how they are feeling. Instead of judging them, we have to identify and feel what they are feeling. We can look at Jesus and how he felt for the people before Him. He had compassion. Can we do any less for these children?

pdf to share leftFrom current brain research, we now realize we create downshifts in the child’s brain when we blame, judge, criticize and attempt to make them responsible for our own feelings of being upset. We have to take responsibility for our own feelings and not project them onto our kids.

Mistake #4 – Framing mistakes (Dr. Becky Bailey, http://consciousdiscipline.com/)

For years many people who work with children have said things like,

(1) “I’m sorry. It’s not time to play (or whatever).”

(2) “I need for you to ______________.”

(3) “I want you to _____________.”

There are issues with each of there.

1. Why would the child care if we are sorry or not. The only thing statements like this did was to give the child power over us. The child might think, “Wow, I can make this adult sorry!” And many did make the adults standing in front of them very sorry.

Continue Reading…

The Mistakes We’ve Made With Children of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Techniques September 28, 2012 — 2 Comments

imageMany children living in divorcing single parent homes experience tremendous stress leading to some out of control behaviors. When they come to your church, your volunteers question what on earth could be causing these kids to act like that. They may wonder if there is any discipline in the home at all. It is not that their parents are bad parents or that they aren’t trying, but more likely it is because there is confusion and chaos in the child’s life. Many of these children live in high conflict situations where they experience high stress levels.

In the book Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Attachment-Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors, Heather Forbes and Bryan Post reference these children in their “Stress Model” chart. They say,

“Children who are misbehaving are seeking external regulation.”

pdf to share leftThey go on to say that stress causes a child to have confused and distorted thinking. With all of the children I have worked with, I find this to be true. I have often said children’s behavior becomes their voice when they don’t feel safe, don’t feel loved, are confused and when they don’t know what is happening next. For many children when they are act out or misbehave they are simply doing the best they can do to survive in that moment.

Today I’d like for us to look at the mistakes we made in the past when working with some of these children. I’d like to examine what works in today’s world when accommodating the child of divorce and their behaviors.

Mistake #1 – The Self-Esteem/Specialness Mistake

In the past we made several mistakes in our discipline and guidance of children. What we did before the divorce epidemic hit our world seemed to have worked. But now that we have many stressed out children and children living in two different worlds on a daily basis, some of those old techniques simply don’t work effectively.

Keep in mind that, for the most part, we were taught or encouraged to do these things by society, by the colleges we went to, by the experts and the child development specialists. Sometimes what we did before might have seemed to work at the time, but there were long-range consequences from some of those techniques.

  1. Special-ness: We told kids they were special. We sang songs that touted, “I am special!” We did art projects that said, “I am special”.
  2. We worked on raising kids “self-esteem”. Everything was about helping the child to feel they were special and everything needed to feel good.

I remember when my daughter Julie was in preschool at our church where I wrote the curriculum. Oh, how we worked on their self-esteem. We did all those “special-ness” activities. We sang those “I am special” songs. Continue Reading…

Aaron’s Story – A Family in Crisis

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Call to Action, Children of Divorce Testimonies September 21, 2012 — Leave a comment

imageIt was seven o’clock on a Friday evening when we had to call the police. No one had come to pick up Aaron that evening. His mom had dropped him off at my child care center Friday morning. She brought him in, signed him in, put his backpack on his hook and had left. All the things she normally did but she did not show up that evening.

We called the hospital where she worked, and she had not shown up for work that day. They had tried all day to reach her. We called all of the contacts on Aaron’s list before we called the police. No one knew where she was. This wasn’t like mom.

pdf to share leftWhile we were waiting for the police to arrive many thoughts passed through my mind. I thought about Aaron’s first day at our facility. He had come to us with the diagnoses of Reactive Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. We had taken one look at this beautiful child, and our hearts had melted immediately.

Unbeknownst to us, he would become one of our most challenging children and one of our greatest success stories. Aaron was three years old, and one of the smartest little boys to ever enter our doors.

I already knew from visiting with the therapist that we would have to work not only on bonding with Aaron, but also with the mother. As their car drove into the parking lot on that first morning, I watched from my office window, I smiled to myself, took a deep breath, and began our journey. Now here we were three years later, and mom was no-where to be found.

Aaron had come so far; mom had come so far, and things seem to be going well for their little family. Mom had just told me weeks before, “Thank you for giving me back my little boy.”

When the police arrived Aaron said, “I guess I better get my pajamas and the key to our apartment.” We all looked at each other and immediately looked over at his backpack. Inside the backpack were his pajamas, two changes of clothes, a key to their apartment, all of his medications in a zip lock bag with instructions for times to be administered and a note that said “Here are the direction to our apartment.” This mother had planned well in advance of what was to take place.

Continue Reading…

The Newest Phenomenon to Impact Children’s Ministry

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Grandparents July 27, 2012 — Leave a comment

imageHave you heard about the new divorce phenomenon? It’s called the gray divorce, senior adults who are divorcing after years of marriage. (http://tinyurl.com/cf2t2w5) You may wonder why I would bring up the gray divorce to children’s ministers. You are probably thinking,

“I deal with children, not senior adults.”

Continue Reading…

Grandparents Parenting the Child of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Grandparents July 13, 2012 — Leave a comment

imageOne kindergartner says to a second kindergartner,

“Hey Taylor, your grandma’s going to be here in a minute to pick you up.”

Second kindergartner,

“How do you know it’s my grandma? Maybe it’s my mom!”

First kindergartner,

“Nope! You live with your grandma, and besides I saw her fuzzy head in the car window. Grandma’s have fuzzy heads so I know it’s her.”

Maybe the grandmas in our adult world don’t have fuzzy heads. However you view grandmas though, our society is experiencing a growing phenomenon – more and more grandparents are parenting the second generation of children. Often this happens at the expense of the grandparents own relationships and emotional well-being. Usually there is a crisis surrounding the transition of children from the birth parent to the grandparent’s home. Many of these grandparents are single themselves or in second marriages. This adds to the stress as well as the confusion.

The realization quickly sets in “Yikes, I don’t have the energy to do this again! And “We were never that age!” Many grandparents thought they were through parenting only to find themselves having to parent the second generation in their family. This can cause a lot of negative feelings because not only do adjustments in the home have to take place but adjustments in how they parent have to happen.

On top of everything else, many of these grandparents are single or they are in second marriages themselves, and the entrance of grandchildren into the home strains the second/blended family marriage. These grandparents might be showing up in your children’s ministries. Or possibly senior adults are suddenly showing up less and less. It could be they have had a grandchild show up on their doorstep.

What are you doing to accommodate grandparents parenting the second generation?

In some situations, one of the parents may live with the grandparent but for the sake of this article let’s consider the grandparent who is parenting without either birth parent being present in the home.

Here are some things to think about in assisting the new grandparent parenting their grandchildren.

  • The first step is one of education. Think about finding a mentor to help the new grandparent who is parenting again. A lot has changed since their children were little. For example,
  1. Many don’t understand the importance of “back to sleep” for a newborn baby.
  2. Others don’t have a clue about diapers to use or monitors that are available.
  3. The rules and regulations on car seats can be very overwhelming and confusing.
  4. School rules, bus schedules, school conferences might new to some grandparents.
  5. Computers and social networking can be confusing.

Continue Reading…

A Personal Tribute to Judith Wallerstein

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Blog Information June 29, 2012 — 1 Comment

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: In the area of children of divorce, there are few people who have been as influential as Judith Wallerstein. Her groundbreaking study and work has paved the way for those of us who work with children of divorce. Ms. Wallerstein passed away last week at the age of 90. Though she is now gone, her work and her influence will live on – hopefully sparking others to carry the mantle for children of divorce. One of our regular contributors – Linda Ranson Jacobs – was fortunate enough to interact with Ms. Wallerstein when she was developing the Divorce Care 4 Kids program. In this article she recounts those interactions and reflects on the contribution and legacy of Ms. Wallerstein.

The Work and Influence of Judith Wallerstein

imageThrough her research, reporting and personal understanding and care, Judith Wallerstein probably changed the face of the child of divorce more than anyone in this generation. As many of you know, she began talking to and following 131 children whose parents were all going through a divorce. From her research and communication with those 131 children she wrote three important books.

After the first five years she wrote, “Surviving The Breakup: How Children And Parents Cope With Divorce”. “Second Chances: Men, Women and Children a Decade After Divorce” came after fifteen years and “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study” came after her study with the original 131 children after twenty-five years. After those books she complied all of her information from her research and wrote what was to me the most dynamic book of all, “What About the Kids?”

A Poorly Timed Phone Call

When I was developing DC4K (DivorceCare for Kids), I had the privilege of talking to her on the phone. I had wanted to visit with her, but I had been hesitating calling such an important person. My boss at Church Initiative, Steve Grissom, encouraged me to go ahead and give her a call. So, during my research phase in 2002, I finally worked up the nerve to do just that. I had read her books, and I wanted to find out what else I needed to know to develop DC4K and make it an effective program.

I remember I was so nervous dialing her number. Her son answered the phone, and he was very short with me. I asked to speak with Judith Wallerstein. I’m sure my voice was shaky as I said her name. And that’s when I realized my big blunder…it was only seven o’clock on the West coast. YIKES! In my excitement, I had neglected to realize I was in the Eastern Standard time zone and there was a three-hour difference. I apologized profusely and offered to call back later in the day. Evidently by this time Judith had come into the room and asked what was going on. After a brief discussion between her son and her, she came to the phone.

Our First Conversation

What a charming and personable woman she was. I’m sure she probably got dozens of calls from people studying the child of divorce, but probably not at 7:00 in the morning. She was an encourager though and made me promise when I got our program developed I would send her the materials. At that time, she also told me about another book she was writing called “What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce” and made me promise to read it as soon as it came out. After that call, and after I got DC4K developed we exchanged emails several times. Continue Reading…

Vacation Bible School and the Child of Divorce

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Vacation Bible School June 22, 2012 — 2 Comments

imageThis week our church has had Vacation Bible School, or as it is known in church circles “VBS.” Rooms throughout the church are decorated from top to bottom. Teachers have been trained. Supplies, snacks and treats are ready to go. Music videos have been practiced, and the gospel has been adequately presented. Every day kids come in with big smiles on their faces. They have laughed, danced, sung and shouted out the scriptures. As they leave each day we high five, do a fist bump and even hug many of them.

There has been one thing missing from our VBS though – there are very few children from divorced homes attending our VBS. I know these kids are in our community. After all, they are in every community. So, why aren’t they at VBS? I imagine most of your VBS programs are experiencing a similar dilemma.

Have you taken time to check your registration forms to see what the family make up is for the kids attending your VBS? More than likely you’ll discover that kids from divorced homes are largely missing. Why are there not more children from divorced families attending VBS nationwide? Have you ever wondered about it?

Years ago when I operated a child care in Oklahoma, I offered to transport children in our program to a local church for VBS. While the parents wanted their kids to attend VBS, they were working during the day and couldn’t take off from work to get them to and from the church. The most appreciative parents were those of the kids in single parent homes. Many of these parents didn’t attend church themselves, but they wanted their kids to go to VBS.

What a powerful experience it was for these parents on family night during VBS. For many of them, it was the first time in years they had entered a church. For some, it may have been the only time. The leaders made sure the parents felt welcomed. They complimented their kids, and they gingerly invited the parents to come back and visit.

In another church I attended in North Carolina, they had their VBS in the evening. They did this because they knew there were many children who wouldn’t be able to attend if VBS was held during the day. Several kids from divorced homes were able to attend this VBS. Plus several of the single parents in our church got to volunteer.

No matter what time of the day or evening you have your VBS, please consider reaching out to the children in your area who come from divorced homes. You can ask the families in your church to think about a divorced family and consider offering to bring those children to VBS. Or, start a bus program and offer to pick up children from the neighborhood and bring them to and from VBS. If your VBS is during the day, work with day cares in your area to arrange to have them bring the children they watch after to your VBS.

Continue Reading…

How to Address the Single Parent’s Concerns Regarding the Other Home

Linda Ranson Jacobs —  In Single Parent Families June 15, 2012 — Leave a comment

imageTHE SINGLE PARENT DILEMMA

What do you say to the single parent that comes to you with this problem?

“What can I do about my kids being exposed to things they shouldn’t be when they are at their other parent’s home? He shows them R rated movies, plays music that’s not appropriate for their age and has his latest girlfriend spending the night while they are there. What can I do? He even has different social and religious standards. My kids, who are only in elementary school, are already seeing a difference in what I allow and what their father allows.”

Continue Reading…

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