Last week we started a new series on recognizing the emotions and issues that preschoolers face when going through the divorce of their parents including various emotions they experience.  On Monday, we followed up by looking at symptoms that these kids exhibit and how to draw emotions out of them.  Today, we conclude this series with some specific advice for divorcing parents of preschool aged kids.

General Advice for Parents

In terms of general advice for parents of children of preschool age, there are some things that they should remember and consider:

• Be open, honest and frank with your kids. They don’t need to know everything about the divorce, but be honest with them in an age appropriate way with the information they do need. Don’t try to hide things from them. They are very perceptive.
• Take care of yourself. If your kids see you adjusting well to your new life, they are more likely to adjust well too.
• When your kids do have questions, offer short and concise answers. Children at this age don’t need long explanations.
• Your actions and facial expressions when talking about the divorce and your ex will speak way louder than any words that you use.
• Children at this age need plenty of physical and verbal affection and reassurance.
• Your children will thrive on routine. It helps to minimize the change and chaos that they may be feeling and reassures them that you will be there for them. Be very intentionally about developing routines with your kids. Maybe there is something special (even if it’s just a walk or a bike ride) that you can do every Saturday morning. Develop a secret handshake or hug that only you and your kids know.
• Find specific activities (like reading together) that you can regularly engage in and set up a specific time each day to do that activity.
• Provide as much undivided attention as you can to your children. I know that things are likely hectic now, and there is probably a lot on your plate, but make time to just spend one-on-one with each child.
• Find other adults who can pour into the lives of your kids. Grandparents are really important to many children of divorce because they represent stability. Aunts or Uncles, family friends, anyone who truly cares about your daughter.
• There are some very good books that are available. I know that you are on a tight income, but many of these books are available from your local library. Get them and read through them with your daughter discussing the content with her as you read. There are some well meaning but misguided books out there which basically leave kids with the impression that everything will be ok just because lots of kids go through divorce. Avoid those books. They ignore that every child is unique and experience divorce as a personal loss. The best books I have seen for kids are:
  • It’s Not Your Fault Koko Bear by Vicki Lansky
  • Dinosaurs Divorce by Marc Brown
  • Was It the Chocolate Pudding? by Sandra Levins
  • There is a website at http://www.familyservice.us/books-for-kids-of-divorce/ where you can get a copy of Dinosaur’s Divorce and another book called Mama and Daddy Bear’s Divorce for free. I would encourage you to take advantage of that.
• Don’t try to “happy up” your kids all the time. Being sad or depressed is part of the healing process.
• Try to minimize other changes in your child’s life as much as possible.
• Make sure that you set and keep clear limits and boundaries with your kids. Make sure that you are consistent with the limits for your kids as well. Children feel safer when their parents are in charge, and they thrive under consistent discipline. Come up with simple age appropriate rules and give your kids age appropriate jobs and responsibilities. Kids feel like they belong when they are able to contribute to the families, and one thing that many children of divorce are seeking is a sense of belonging.
• Don’t jump into dating. It is hard for kids to adjust to divorce. It sounds like (if he is still involved) that they already have a new relationship on their Dad’s side to adjust to. You need to give them, and yourself, enough time to adjust and be healthy before even thinking about adding anyone new to the mix. Keep in mind that new relationships (and maybe eventually step families) can be just as traumatic for kids as the initial divorce.
• I don’t know where you are spiritually, but I would suggest that you find a good bible teaching church with a dynamic children’s ministry to attend. Many children of divorce feel a loss of their family of origin, and church is a great place for them to find a caring congregation of adults and other children to belong to. This can help immensely with the healing process.
• Finally, pray with and for your child. I firmly believe that ultimate healing for children of divorce, and for all things, is found in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Again, I don’t know where you are spiritually, but I would be glad to talk to you about this further.

Last week we started a new series on recognizing the emotions and issues that preschoolers face when going through the divorce of their parents.  We looked at various emotions these kids go through.  Today, we will examine symptoms you can look for in these kids and talk about ways to figure out what kids are going through then they are unwilling to talk.  On Wednesday, we will conclude this series with some specific advice for parents on preschoolers and divorce as well as a pdf file which will include the entire article.  If you have thoughts on working with preschoolers and divorce, please comment below.  We have recently changed our commenting system to make it more interactive.

Symptoms of Adjustment Issues

Sometimes, the emotions felt by children of divorce will be obvious. Other times, you may need to look for other indicators that children are having trouble adjusting to the divorce. There are some other symptoms you can look for that might help you to understand how a child is adjusting. Some children of divorce begin to act out in their anger. They may become more disobedient or defiant. This is a hard one to pick up on at this age because it is also a natural age for kids to start testing boundaries. They may act more aggressively towards parents or towards other siblings. You might pick up on efforts to seek attention or more demanding behavior. You might also notice that they have become less cooperative.

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