Last week I went to dinner with my 80-year-old dad who was visiting me from Arizona. We were reminiscing about the days before my parents’ divorce. Some of my childhood memories were actually good. Then he said to me, “Even though your mom and I got divorced, you and your sisters turned out just fine. You’ve all done great.”

I just sat there and nodded my head. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. We hadn’t turned out fine. Even though he knows my sisters and I also got divorced, he doesn’t know the depth of the emotional pain we went through in our own marriages and divorces.

Brooks, Sharon. “Adult Children Of Divorce: Which Type Are You?"
Huffington Post Divorce, August 2, 2011.

Continue Reading…

Sharon Brooks on the Emotional Pain of Children of Divorce

Editor’s note: Our original plan was to get back to our series on the 6/50 Window today.  However, the research for the next article in the series has taken longer than planned.  We hope that you will check back in next week for that article.  In the meantime, please enjoy this video from one of the pioneers in the area of helping children of divorce Elizabeth Marquardt.

Last week, Elizabeth Marquardt joined Fox News online to discuss the new report from the Institute for American Values titled “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” Watch the video then post your thoughts in the comments below.

imageDivorce conflicts between parents can get ugly. And too often parents tend to vent or share this anger about the other parent with one or more of the children involved. The results can be devastating – not only for the “target” parent, but for the children, as well. This is just one form of parental alienation which is a serious and very complex set of behaviors which often feel justified by the alienating parent.

The problem is that children get caught in the middle, are often confused about being told disrespectful things about their other parent and can learn to manipulate both parents in ways that are destructive for the child’s socialization and ultimate well-being.

pdf to share leftWhen any parental disagreements reach into your children’s lives, you are treading in dangerous territory with long-lasting consequences. How you handle the situation could play a crucial role in determining the ultimate outcome in your family conflict.

Continue Reading…

imageRecently the Children’s Pastor’s Conference was held at the Disney World Conference Center in Orlando, FL. I’ve been to other conferences at this location, and something I’ve notice every time is the way Disney treats children. This got me to thinking about how our churches treat children. Today, I want to explore some concepts and ideas that sparked my imagination when it comes to ministering to the child of divorce in our churches.

1. No matter who is checking in or walking through the gates of Disney World the children are noticed first.

Do your teachers or greeters notice the children first?

Continue Reading…

Editor’s Note:  We are taking a break this week from our discussion of the 6/50 Window and the spiritual impacts of divorce on children.  Come back next week as we delve further into this issue.  For now, please join us in a discussion on what benefits children may find in the divorce of their parents and what the cost of those benefits might be.

Earlier in January HuffPost Divorce asked the following on Facebook and Twitter:

“We want to know: What’s one way your child has actually benefited from your divorce?”

They have compiled SOME of the responses (the positive ones) and published them in an article titled Divorce And Children: 30 Ways Readers Say Their Children Benefited From Divorce.  Many of the replies focus on how much better off the kids must be because the parents are better off (an adult-centered view of divorce at best).

Continue Reading…

imageWhen divorce enters a family, everyone is affected. Sometimes the impact on grandparents is overlooked amidst the turmoil involving parents and children. But the affect can be devastating for grandparents who want to help and also stay in the lives of the children they love.

Grandparents often ask me, “How do I help and stay close to my grandkids when we are geographically separated?”

You do that by maintaining and strengthening the relationship you already have. Here are some ways you can stay in the lives of your grandchildren despite the distance between you.

Continue Reading…

The Children’s Pastor’s Conference in Orlando was last week. I did a workshop and ran a booth for DC4K. I like these kinds of conferences mainly because everyone there is concerned about the welfare of children. They worry about a child’s relationship to the Lord. They all want children in their communities coming to church.

Over the years I’ve watched the tide turn about the child of divorce. Years ago when I would ask a children’s pastor or volunteer if they had children of divorce in their community, many would look at me with a blank expression and eventually they would respond with, “No, I don’t think we have any divorced families in our area.”

This year when I asked that question I got a different expression. It was a look of exasperation and then most would say, “Well who doesn’t have kids of divorce in their church?” I didn’t have one person say they didn’t have children of divorce in their community. The following graphic includes some of the responses I did get.

image

Continue Reading…

Editor’s Note: One thing we have heard time and again in talking to grown children of divorce is how important their grandparents were to them during the whole process. In this article, Rosalind Sedacca shares advice with grandparents about what they should and shouldn’t do in helping their grandkids adjust to a divorce.

imageGrandparents are often caught in the tensions between parents when divorce takes place. Eager to help ease the situation, many grandparents are confused about how they can play a part in addressing the pain, confusion and other emotional issues that may be affecting their innocent grandkids. Since every divorce is unique there are no cookie-cutter solutions that do the trick. But there are some guidelines to keep in mind, especially in regards to being there for your grandchildren.

If you haven’t been close to the kids beforehand, post-divorce is a difficult time to develop a relationship. But if you already have that bond established, it’s important to keep the on-going connection at this time when the children are facing so many unknowns.

When communication and trust are strong between you and your grandchildren it’s easier to bring up issues that concern you for a chat. Children who are comfortable in their relationship with you are more likely to confide their frustrations, fears and insecurities to you. Keep in mind that it’s always more effective to offer advice once they ask or bring the subject up. Then you can share your wisdom in an age-appropriate manner.

Continue Reading…

For the last couple of weeks here on DivorceMinistry4Kids.com we have been talking about the 6/50 Window.  As part of that focus on children of divorce as a mission field, we have discussed a new report titled “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” which confirms that divorce has a profound impact on a child’s faith.  Earlier this week, we looked at 10 Key Observations and Conclusions from that report.  We will get back to our extensive look at the spiritual impacts of divorce next week, but today we wanted to summarize what I found to be one of the most helpful portions of last week’s report – the advice contained at the end of the report for pastors, church members, parents and children of divorce.  We have created the information sheet below which quotes/paraphrases the advice from the report.  You can click on the graphic for a printable pdf version.

image

imageLast week we reported on the release of a brand new report titled “Does the Shape of Families Shape Faith?” by Elizabeth Marquardt, Amy Ziettlow, and Charles E. Stokes studying the impacts of divorce on children’s faith. The following represent ten key observations and conclusions from that report report.

1. Churches struggle to reach children of divorce.

“When parents do not involve their children in an active life of faith, churches seem bewildered about how to reach them.”

2. Children of Divorce are less religious on whole than children from intact families.

pdf to share right“While there are a diverse range of theories about why the adult offspring of divorced parents are less likely to be religiously involved than their peers from intact families, little doubt exists about the correlation or connection.”

“…when children of divorce reach adulthood, compared to those who grew up in intact families, they feel less religious on the whole and are less likely to be involved in the regular practice of a faith.”

“The authors found, for example, that those raised in happy, intact marriages were more than twice as likely to attend religious services, compared to those raised in good divorces. And, those raised in happy, intact marriages were more likely to report an absence of negative experiences of God, compared to those raised in good divorces.”

3. Children of divorce are more likely to leave religious practice all together.

“One important study by Leora E. Lawton and Regina Bures found that Catholic and moderate Protestant children of divorce are more than twice as likely to leave religious practice altogether, and that conservative Protestants are more than three times as likely to do so.”

4. Children of divorce are more likely to consider themselves “spiritual but not religious.”

“It is also becoming clear that grown children of divorce stand at the leading edge of a generation that considers itself “spiritual but not religious.” Yet they form a kind of broken leading edge, with spiritual stories quite often characterized by loss or suffering. Having perhaps turned to God for solace and hope, they may think of themselves as spiritual persons, but they report more difficulty practicing a faith within religious institutions.”

“In a separate study also using the Glenn and Marquardt data, Zhai and colleagues find that adult children of divorce are much more likely to identify themselves as ‘spiritual but not religious.’”

5. A parental divorce during adolescence increases the odds of some sort of religious change.

“…it appears as if the experience of parental breakup in adolescence triggers an increase in the odds of religious change, whether that change is a move toward or away from religion.”

6. Children formulate their image of God based on their experiences with their own parents.

“…children’s early images of God arise at least in part from their lived experience with their own parents.”

7. Parents and families are key to a child’s faith journey.

“Parents play a vital role in influencing children’s religious lives after divorce, particularly in a culture in which congregational engagement and other forms of civic involvement are no longer as normative as they once were.”

“Melinda Denton writes that the greatest predictor of the religious lives of youth is the religious lives of their parents: ‘Youth with highly religious parents are much more likely to be highly religious themselves, while youth whose parents are disengaged from religion are more likely to be disengaged as well.’”

“…some studies show that family practices are more closely linked than family structure to strong faith in adulthood, but intact families are more likely to have the stability necessary to maintain these practices.”

8. A father’s involvement is of particular importance to a child’s future faith.

“Overall, as reported by Elisa Zhai of Miami University and colleagues in an analysis of the Glenn and Marquardt data, the link between parental divorce and lower likelihood of the grown children’s regular practice of a religion appears to be significantly explained by lower levels of father’s involvement in the religious lives of these children.”

9. A so called “good divorce” does not eliminate the faith issues faced by children of divorce.

“The odds of religious attendance are more than twice as high for those raised in happy, intact marriages compared to those raised in amicable divorces.”

10. Divorce can provide an opportunity for children to develop a deeper relationship with God if their questions are answered and they a provided with spiritual role models.

“The health and future of congregations depends upon understanding, reaching out to, and nurturing as potential leaders those who have come of age in an era of dramatic social changes in family structure. The suffering felt by children of divorce may actually offer a pathway toward healing and growth, not only for themselves but for the churches.”

Page 5 of 29« First...34567...1020...Last »