All of us here at Divorce Ministry 4 Kids want to wish you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving. No matter what form your family might take this year, we hope you take a few seconds to reflect not on the losses and struggles of the past year but the things we have to be thankful for.
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. [Psalm 107:1]
Welcome back to the conclusion of my story about speaking at the Engage Conference last weekend in Mechanicsburg, PA.
There wasn’t much time between the first and second workshop (about 10 minutes). I was hopeful that like many conferences people might be trickling in late. When the smoke settled, the second workshop had two people in it. I was planning on laying out a justification for changing attitudes in the church and a plan for doing that, and we covered some of that, but mostly we just chatted. One young woman in the class was a child of divorce herself and provided some valuable insight into how the church treated her and her sister after her parents’ divorce. It was a nice conversation, but it definitely wasn’t the workshop I had planned.
I stuck around for 60-90 minutes after the conference was over until they started to turn out the lights. I was trying to work out the technical issues I was having so that things would do better in the morning. If I am being honest, I felt deflated. I had poured all of this work into a cause that I was quite certain was near and dear to God’s heart, and the people just hadn’t come. It was definitely not a “Field of Dreams” moment. Had all of that time been wasted? What had I done wrong? I did what any normal person does these days under those circumstances – I put it on Facebook.
My moment of discouragement was quickly replaced by resolve and a clarity about the need to trust in God. Despite the fact that turnout hadn’t been what I wanted and the workshops hadn’t gone quite as planned, I did have some good conversations with the people who did show up, and if God worked through that to influence the life of one child of divorce, then the work was all worth it. Also, the fact that people would not voluntarily choose to come learn about the issue just strengthened my resolve to go out and beat the drum even louder. Perhaps, just maybe, God knew that this was exactly what I needed.
Last weekend, I was blessed to lead a five workshop Divorce Ministry for Kids track at the Engage Conference in Mechanicsburg, PA. That opportunity grew out of a conversation over lunch with a children’s pastor friend in which I was lamenting the lack of such workshops and breakouts at most children’s ministry conferences. So, when he invited me to speak at this conference, I couldn’t very well say no.
I was excited about, and grateful for, the opportunity to speak about a topic which I feel very passionate about, and I poured a lot of time into getting ready for the workshops. I spent a couple of week gathering my notes for the five workshops:
Did you know that something a child experiences today could affect him or her for years to come? Did you see the latest research on adults who faced a childhood trauma? (You can see complete chart at this site. http://www.ministrybestpractices.com/2012/11/adult-disorders-linked-to-childhood.html).
The chart I’m referencing is the study I mention several weeks ago called the ACE Study, Adverse Childhood Experiences (http://acestudy.org/). This chart is great for ministers to have in their offices. It is one of the first charts I’ve seen that ministers can take and use in their churches as they minister to congregants. It explains what happens to adults when they have experienced an adverse childhood experience.
This chart doesn’t mention that divorce is an adverse childhood experience but the ACEs study does mention it. You can find more about the ACE Study at the link above and http://www.cdc.gov/ace/index.htm.
One of the things I like about this chart and these kinds of studies are they verify what I have felt and known for a long time. Many of us that have worked with children know that when they experience a trauma such as divorce that it affects them in many ways. For instance one of the results of trauma or crisis causes children to endangered or worthless.
Many of the children we work with in DC4K (Divorce Care 4 Kids) feel worthless. They will tell you they feel that way. Many don’t feel safe, and they feel endangered. We’ve talked about that here on Divorce Ministry 4 Kids also.
The more crisis and trauma a child experiences the more it really does affect their brains. They literally have their brains rewired. It can cause adult onset of ADHD, depression, and suicidal tendencies. Women are 27% more like to become obese and men 66% more likely to become obese. Even their health can be affected.
So you see there are even more reasons to work with the child of divorce within the church. They need us now and our future generations need us.
I know the kids who came to DC4K when it first came out ten years ago. I also have kept track of some of these kids, and they are not experiencing as many of these adverse effects. I believe it is because we address the basic need of love, safety and support. We also teach them how to label their feelings. If you can’t label a feeling, you can’t tame it either. So when a child learns how to put a name on a feeling, they also learn how to address the problems that come along feeling that emotion.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Rosalind Sedacca has posted articles as a guest article several times here on DivorceMinistry4Kids.com. We are pleased that she is now an official member of our team and will offer regular articles aimed at helping parents to help their children during after a divorce. For those of us who work with kids, these articles offer valuable insights and will assist us in advising parents of children of divorce who seek out our advice.
All human beings are resistant to change. It’s especially difficult for children. One of the greatest disruptions in a child’s life can be the upheaval caused by divorce. For this reason it is incumbent on you, as a parent, to do everything possible day by day, month by month, to help your children adjust, assimilate into their new routines and accept the changes in their lives in the most positive possible ways.
To do that, you must be committed to putting your children’s physical, emotional and psychological needs foremost in your mind and heart. In that way, you will make decisions that are child-centered rather than based on your needs for getting back, proving your points or hurting your child(ren)’s other parent.
Yes, it’s not always an easy proposition to parent after divorce from this perspective. However, it’s the only option that will allow your children to have a sane childhood, good self-esteem, joy in their lives and a future that includes healthy relationships for themselves. Isn’t that what we all want for our children?
You can help your children adapt to two happy homes if you make that a priority and respect the fact that your kids are attached to their other parent. Don’t force them to break that bond or make them feel guilty for still loving their Dad or Mom, despite your divorce.
Because helping your child feel happy, safe, and loved is such an important goal for every parent, you can make joint parenting (custody is becoming a word of the past in many legal systems) arrangements work out if that is your honest intention.
To help your children feel wanted – little things count a lot!
All children need to know that they are loved and wanted in both homes. To help instill that important sense of belonging, try to avoid the need to pack a suitcase when children move between Mom and Dad’s homes.
Single parents come to me all the time asking for help in disciplining their children. Remember they are parenting alone and there is no one in the house with them late at night or on a day-to-day basis to help them parent their children. It can get overwhelming to say the least.
Here are ten examples of some of the kinds of questions I get about parenting alone. Sometimes single parents need a more in-depth answer depending on variations such as age, developmental abilities or other situations. For our purposes here these answers are short and to the point.
Please feel free to share with the single parents in your church.
1. What do I do when my toddler screams at me and I can’t get him to pick up his toys?
Toddlers respond to singing and playing through a situation. Mad faces and loud voices scare toddlers. He may be reacting to your tone of voice or look on your face. Calm down and sing. Make up your words and use a familiar tune like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.
Brain research shows that when toddlers and young preschoolers get scared a lot of time they turn their fear into something funny. That’s why the more upset a parent becomes the more a toddler runs away laughing and giggling. That tends to upset the parent more and then the toddler laughs more. It becomes a vicious circle. Parents stop take a deep breath, calm down and start over whether it is trying to get a little head into a shirt or the child into bed. Play the toddler through the situation
2. How do I handle it when my son’s 3rd grade teacher calls me to tell me he hasn’t turned in his homework for a week? And it was the week he was at his dads.
Listen to the teacher. Calm down your fears and worries. Approach your son and ask him what he thinks he can do to get his homework in on time – even when he is at dads. I would not confront dad mainly because a 3rd grader needs to take responsibility for his actions. Give your son some choices on what he thinks the consequence should be next time. Decide on your consequences and then follow through at your home.
3. My 14 year-old girl wants to date and I say no, not until your 16 but her dad said, “Sure, you can date when you’re at my house.” How do I handle that?
You can’t control what goes on at the other home. You can set your boundaries for your home. Tell your daughter you trust her to make wise decisions but in your home there will be no dating until she is 16.
Later this week, I will be in Mechanicsburg, PA presenting five workshops at the Engage Conference on ministering to children of divorce. If you are anywhere in the area, I would encourage you to attend. The price is very affordable, and the content will be top notched. As part of that effort, I have compiled a listing of resources to make available to those who attend my workshop. I am making that resource available to you today before the conference. The following represent the “best of the best” when it comes to resources on children of divorce. A pdf version of the handout is also available by clicking on the pdf link below.
Hlp4: Healthy Loving Partnerships for Our Kids (http://hlp4.com/)At Divorce Ministry 4 Kids, our mission includes teaching people about the need for ministering to children of divorce and equipping those who work with children to minister to children of divorce. We are not, primarily, geared towards helping parents who are going through a divorce. That said, there are times in ministering to children that we are approached by parents seeking advice, and we need to be prepared to offer such advice. That is why we are excited to announce that Rosalind Sedacca has agreed to become a regular contributor to Divorce Ministry 4 Kids. Her background and experience allows her to offer advice primarily to parents. We hope that these articles will equip parents to better navigate the waters of divorce. Furthermore, we hope that these article will provide those who work with kids insight into how to respond to parent requests for advice and information. I wanted to take this chance to introduce you to Rosalind.
Recognized as “The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce,” Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!
In addition to being a Certified Corporate Trainer and Divorce and Parenting Coach, Rosalind is also a Dating & Relationship Coach. She is the co-author of 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! and co-creator of the DatingRescue 10-week eCourse for women.
Imagine looking like your father and being proud of that fact. Perhaps at some point in your young life your grandmother proudly said to her friends,
“This is Sonny’s boy. Doesn’t he look just like Sonny?”
And all of her friends proclaim that yes you were the spitting image of your father and you even look a lot like your grandfather. A smile crept up on your face as you listened to this talk.
Maybe you have your mother’s talent. She plays the piano and you are also musically inclined. Your mother sang a solo in the annual Christmas cantata at church each year, and your heart swelled because she was your mother and you believed that you too would one day sing solos like she did.
All of us have had these kinds of thoughts and memories as children. We are proud of our heritage. When we were small we wanted to be known as Sonny’s son. We were excited to know that we looked like one of our parents, aunts or uncles.
Many children of divorce do not get to experience this happy childhood encounter. Instead, some of these children are embarrassed they look like their parent. Just imagine living with mom but you are the spitting image of your father. What if every time you go to your grandparent’s house a negative comment is made about how you look? Or the comment isn’t made, but you hear the constant comments about “that man” and what he did to your mother. Very quickly you discern it is not good to look like “that man”.
Over the course of the last year or so, we at Divorce Ministry 4 Kids have developed a series of resources to help parents and others who work with children of divorce to deal with the various emotions that come along with divorce. In a series of one page infographics, we have examined the cause of various emotions as well as ways you can help.
You can now download our e-publications which includes all 19 infographics in one place by clicking here. The emotions covered in this publication include:
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